So truth be told, I’m actually pretty new to meditation. In fact, I’ve only been “sitting in the field” (yes, ze quantum field) for about two months. That being said, I can tell you that the person I was two months ago is an entirely different gal than the one writing this post right now.
Two months ago, I was on the ground crying, paint splattered around me, and a worried Jared by my side trying to calm me down. It had been a hot minute (RE: half a year) since I painted, and I felt completely and utterly empty. Art was something that encompassed every fiber of my being, and yet here I was neglecting it. I felt lost, confused, frustrated, and without a purpose. But that was when the magic happened.
What in the moment felt like a serendipitous rediscovery of meditation and mindfulness was in actuality the Universe and God stepping in and saying, “Yo, Britt, we gotta get you on a course redirection, my friend. You’ve done your way longggg enough. Time to reroute!” Long story short, I soon found myself listening with Jared to the recordings of Dr. Joe Dispenza as he discussed all things meditation, manifestation, mindfulness, and woo-wooness translated into science, all while we cooked dinner each night.
Jared dove right in, but I must admit, I was still a little hesitant. After all, I had spent an entire (short) lifetime telling myself over and over that I would never be able to sit still, that meditation just wasn’t for me (this is still partly true…it’s a work in progress). As someone who faces OCD thoughts, I strongly believed that the only way to silence my mind was by running. I would try meditation every now and again, but would leave in frustration after just listening to racing thoughts for five minutes.
When I was in a 200-hour yoga teacher training a few years ago (I had to stop in the middle of the training…but that’s another story!), I remember our instructor, Gina, telling us about her meditation retreat in India. The first day of the retreat, they had told everyone to go off into the forest and sit there for six hours. SIX. HOURS. I remember thinking how in the hell does anyone sit alone with their thoughts for a quarter of a day? I could barely stand being in my own head for five minutes!
But that’s when I realized, and both Dr. Joe and Jen Sincero (exquisite author and life-changer) state, that meditation is an expression of self-love.
Turns out, I didn’t really love myself until recently. Or at least, now I’m working towards self-love. The fact that I can’t stand to be alone with my thoughts while sitting still says it all (which is weird because I’m the world’s biggest introvert). I had to be moving because that was a distraction. When I’m alone, I’m never just alone with myself. I’m reading a book, I’m cooking, I’m doing some pointless activity that fully consumes my attention so that I don’t have to focus on what’s actually happening.
But after listening to Dr. Joe, reading Jen’s incredible book, You Are A Badass, and seeing where my life was heading (a.k.a. sad desk job that I hated), I decided I didn’t have anything to lose.
So I started small. Five minutes at a time. I just focused on breath. That’s it. Just breathing for five minutes. My lovely friend, Sage (you’ll probably hear about her a lot on this blog), gave me a few crystals to get me started too, the most important one at the time being the Rose Quartz (a.k.a. the love rock). I sat down every morning with that giant rock pressed to my heart chakra and just breathed.
But soon, I found the five minutes were flying by, and when the sound bowl would go off, I didn’t want to leave. So I increased my meditation to 10 minutes. Then 15. Then 20. As I increased my time meditating, I realized I could actually set an intention during this time. I started to really focus on love, for myself, for Jared, for my family, for everyone. Then gratefulness. How amazing it is that we each have these beautiful lives to do whatever it is that we want with them, no matter how they started. Then I started focusing on gratefulness for what hasn’t even happened yet, but that I know will come my way. But as active as this meditation seems, I feel completely still. I just am.
I know, right?! Me. Britt. The girl who used to be called “jimmy legs” because I couldn’t stop moving. Sitting still. Being in the moment. Feeling the moment. LOVING myself. God, I love myself. And not in a narcissistic way! No, just the opposite. I love myself enough to take care of my body, do things that awaken my soul, be with people who make me feel alive. That allows me to be my best self so that I can be the best Britt for others.
Meditation has allowed me to be a better Britt. It has allowed me to love myself and realize I am worthy of doing something I love and living the life that I dream about.
So to everyone who made it through this lengthy post: thank you from the bottom of my heart. You guys are the real rockstars. I want to know though: what has meditation given you? How has it changed your life?
Happy Monday, friends 🙂